zaynmalikx: viarga: just-laff: egberts: if i ever met a genie i wouldnt wish for a million dollars id wish that whenever i bought something i’d always have the right amount of money to pay for it in my pocket you are one of the great thinkers of our time Then you’d look at a house and be like “oh damn I wanna live there” and millions of dollars would be in your pockets, crushing and...
me: why isnt my pizza done yet?
mom: it's been in for only 3 minutes. just wait
me: I DID MY WAITING
mom: oh god, not again
me: TWELVE YEARS OF IT
mom: every time
me: IN AZKABAN!
tennants-companion: so I was forced to go to church and all these babies were screaming and I said “we wouldn’t be having this problem if the church supported abortion” and the guy next to me almost had a heart attack